Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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