Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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