Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
