Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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