Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
