if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is her dick bigger than yours?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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