I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
