allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
