i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
