so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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