where am i from again
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize