My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
