I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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