Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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