I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
