hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
