Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
