I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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