I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
