worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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