my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
