I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
