he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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