If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
