I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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