Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
