He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I came so hard my ears popped.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
