Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize