This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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