Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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