Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
