You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
