I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
