My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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