yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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