I understand Curling. That high.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
