Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
