I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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