I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i need an iv and a liver transplant
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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