Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
