he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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