have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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