I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
