Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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