You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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