True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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