how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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