i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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