I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Send help, water and tortillas.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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