Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
