im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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