got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
