mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
