I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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