I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
