There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize