I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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