if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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