Four minutes until I can fart!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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