Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
