how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
