I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize