i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
