He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
