he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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