it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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