apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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