Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
