my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
