this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
